I feel like I’ve lost my sense of identity or sense of self in the last few years. Or maybe I never really discovered who I actually am. I really want to work on that more throughout 2019 and find out who I am rather than what I am to all the people in my life. I do wear a lot of hats really and I think that’s lead to this feeling that I don’t really know who I am or what I want from life.
This is all actually coming from a place of contentment but not fulfilment I suppose. I have two lovely children, I am in a respectful, loving and compassionate relationship and I am very fortunate to enjoy the work that I get paid to do – which has been sparse as I’ve been lazy. I’ve spent more time with friends and family, I’ve had a nice holiday and I am supporting my partner through his new job and University degree. I am mum, girlfriend, sister, daughter, writer, blogger and friend and whilst they are all very core parts in who I am and the parts I play I am struggling with my sense of self.
I want to recognise who I am, what my actual goals and aspirations are. I want to celebrate me and my passions but I don’t quite know what that is. I have been told so many times to discover my why and why I do things the way I do and why I life the way I do but I don’t think I’ve ever really gone deep enough within myself. I feel like I’ve build up this facade around my heart of what my true nature really is and that I’ve got so caught up in what and who I should be.
I think a lot of this stems from the body positive movement – something I do not have about myself but something I want to have. But I feel myself questioning why do other people feel differently than me? Why can other people walk at a normal pace on ice without gripping onto someone for fear of falling? I feel I’m very firmly living within my comfort zone and it’s just not really helping me when it comes to actual life fufillment. I’m hoping to blog myself through this process of self discovery to find out who I really am and what I really want out of life for the rest of the time I’m here. I just hope it won’t take 30 years to do so!